a letter to a little boy

yesterday i wrote a letter to a little boy i know…i wrote:

it is hard to lose someone you love…especially when that person is a parent. sometimes it takes a very long time before things start to feel kinda like normal again.  try to be strong. and the days that you can’t be (and there will be those days) talk to someone who you care about or someone who cares about you. that is what they are there for, to help you through the days when you don’t have strength. remember, you are not alone.

see, his dad died on monday. he had not seen him in probably about a year. but he loved his dad. so very much. his dad was not a nice man. not at all. the little boy he found out his dad got saved right before he died…that made the little boy so happy.  it made me happy too. he might not have been a nice  man here, but in heaven…he will be the father he should have been. without the alcoholism and the prison and abuse and neglect.  he will be a true man and a father.  and his son will finally get to love him without all of the upset feelings crowding in.

the little boy’s dad called me four times in the last two weeks.  i had sent him some paperwork to fill out.  i couldn’t accept his calls because he called collect from prison.  i tried to get his case manager to have the dad call me from the case manager’s office. stupid case manager never returned any of my phone calls.

so, i am going to pretend that the little boy’s dad called me to say, “i am very sick…but i wanted my son to know that i love him very much. please tell him i am sorry, i am sorry for not being the father i should have been. tell him i am sorry for the pain i have caused him. please tell him to let his heart love someone new.  please  tell him he can be a part of two families. please tell him to let himself be happy. please tell him to stop running away and stop being so very scared. tell him i will see him in heaven and we will ride dirt bikes together. and tell  him i love him so much.”  and i am going to pretend that i got to tell the little boy this.  and i am going to pretend that the little boy finally let himself find a forever home. and i am going to pretend that all of his behavioral issues went away, he stopped running away from families, stopped hearing voices, and stopped hurting himself and other people. and he is finally happy.

 

i got married

you know from friends….in that episode where pheobe got married.  and after joey tells whats his face to kiss the bride, pheobe says in pheobe manner, “i got married!”

i say that at least once a day in my head

 

strength

strength. to be strong. to smile and pretend like everthing will be ok, because i know you need that. to hug you and hope my strength flows into you. to watch you try so hard and not let that tear slip through. telling you things that are hard so you become strong on your own. i wont let any of you see me cry. i will be your strength. even when i am weak.

but i need

faith. to be faithful. to know without a doubt that You will make everything work out in the end, because he needs that. to know that soon You will eventually give her a break to regain her own strength. to know that You will give him the miracle we have been praying for and he will be able to do it on his own. to know that You protect her better than I ever will and You will always ensure that its not too much for her delicate heart. to know that every moment You are hugging me and giving me the strength I need to be thier strength.

but sometimes i dont

have the strength,

and sometimes i dont

have the faith

and then when i am with You and only You. i dance. i cry. and i sing. and i pray. and You listen without walking away from me. because You love me. and You know, even when i stomp. and give up. and yell at You. and ignore You. You know that i love You and my strength ran out. i am sorry Lord God. for running from You. and expecting my strength would last on my own. I am sorry Lord Jesus. for giving up and hating You because i hate the pain and confusion i see in all of thier eyes. i am sorry my precious Savior for blaming You for the darkness i see shrouding cities and in my dreams and in thier hearts. I am sorry for becoming bitter, angry, depressed and self righteous. I am sorry for giving up and wanting to run away every day. my God I have pushed You so far away from me and cried God my God where have You been? i miss You. i cannot do this by myself. i want to do all of it, Lord. i want to go. but i wont run. from here. or from You.

i will wait.

i will listen

for Your still, quiet voice.

and while i wait

i will hold on faithfully to Your strength.

 

this was a nice weekend to be a grown up….if i do say so myself.

 

understanding God’s will is tough.
understanding how to have faith is also tough.
understanding He is in total control of my life is tough.
understanding how to be close enough to God to hear his voice is tough.

convincing myself that its worth the effort to understand …. thats something else altogether.

 

swim and learning to move on

yes…really bad and terrible things happen. they happen to good people and bad people and in between people. you cant avoid or change the bad things that happen. some people choose to wallow in the depression, anger, cynacism or fear that the bad things cause. they scrape by barely living, barely breathing. they let the whole world pass them by. and other people learn from it, take it in deep inside of them. they become depressed, angry cynical or afraid for a while….let themselves feel the deepness and complexity of the terrible thing. and then they come to a point where they see or experience something beautiful, feel something living inside of them or want to feel something living inside them and realize the most terrible thing that could happen would be to let the bad thing consume thier lives.

bad things will happen to you, and your friends and your family. maybe bad things already have happened to you.  thats the life humanity chose when we decided to step away from God and disobey him. but God gave us good things to combat the feelings that the bad things bring. so many good things.

 the question is, what kind of person will you choose to be when something bad happens?

 

pour it out…

see God, the thing is….well its just that he was supposed to have been talking for the last month. he shouldnt have to relearn to go to the bathroom at fifty years old. and damnit God he shouldnt have his twenty three year old daughter feed him. and i shouldnt have to talk so slow for him to process everything. and my mom shouldnt have to spend 10-12 hour days at the hospital to make sure they give him a shower and take him to the bathroom. and she shouldnt come home at night and cry and cry about how much she misses him. i shouldnt have to try to dicipher what he is writing….it should just make sense, and not be a jumble of letters.

and i should be able to find a cd to listen to. i should be able to not feel so numb that music grates on the numbness, because it makes me want to feel. im sick of being so strong and such a good girl. i am sick of trying to fucking talk to my dad and not know how much of it actually gets to him. i miss him. i miss him so much. hes just not the same. hes not strong. hes trying so hard not to show he’s scared shitless…..we all are God….and im just too worn out to keep trying. im scared. so very scared of everything thats going to happen.

i hate talking to people God….i hate talking to anyone. because everything just seems so normal when i talk to them. i go to work….its just i hate it. i dont want to deal with all those people. they just dont know. they know nothing….and they just talk and talk and talk about nothing. about the election, school, student teaching, work, how something annoyed them or made them mad…..i dont care, i just want to scream at them…..dont they understand all i want to do is sit in the hospital room with my dad and shake him till he wakes up and we get out of this fucking dream hes in. and why does he keep ignoring tyler? God….make him stop it.

God, i miss jordan so much….i just i miss him so much. i need him here… i need to be there with him. i need to feel his strong embrace. and i need him to kiss me and everything else just goes away for that moment. just a moment God…. thats all i need. i need the peace he brings with him. and the joy…it exudes from him. peace, strength and joy…..i need those most. he makes me feel those things are so real. a month is so far away.

this house is so small….i need space, i cant breathe….its suffocating. its loud, its messy cause its too small for so many people. and its so damn cold. turn up the heat already. i need my art. i need to sit at the wheel and feel the clay between my fingers. i need its rythym to steady me. i need all these feelings to flow from my fingertips into the clay. i need these ugly feelings to transform into beauty. round and round the clarity, the comfort, and the control. i need that.

God, please please please just rewind it. honestly, cant you accomplish whatever the hell this is supposed to accomplish without loosing daddy? i mean you are God…..fix it. please. what was the point of this? who is this helping? i so worried about mum God…shes just being pushed too far…..its too much for her…..they have been together since she was 16. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HER FOR? hasnt she had a shitty enough life already? did you have to take this too? where are You? where the hell are You? cause i just dont feel you anywhere…..you arent here….i just cant feel you…and damnit i need to feel You here. I need your peace …. there isnt any fucking peace here, ever its just stress….hospital, bills overdue, nikki wants to get off crack, tyler has a meltdown, paps in the hospital, courtney breaks her nose, more overdue bills, wally didnt make it outside, the house needs cleaned again, i cant figure out how to pay my loans, and oh yeah more hospital every friggin day. i hate the hospital. hate it. its dirty with germs, the rooms are small and windowless, the nurses smile fake smiles.  i just need peace.

and mum needs peace. shes not goign to last much longer….i dont knwo what to do with her. i dont know what to say to her. i dont know how to tell her everyhting will be ok when obviously everything sucks right now…..i just cant find hope in anything. how can i give her peace and hope when i cant find any God? im so mad at You…..i never been mad at You….but damnit im so mad. im so mad because i dont see how this can be in your plan. maybe im not mad at you but im mad at everything else. i just am confused by you. i feel alone. so alone. i cant be the only strong one. dad and i are the strong ones…..and hes so weak right now…..he cant even walk from the car to the house without taking a rest. i feel like the knots in my shoulders will never come out. i cant take care of all of them. im not strong enough God. i need your strength. i need you. i need you so much God. where the hell are you? where the hell are you. come back. come back.

oh God….courtney is not doing well. its scaring me. shes just a baby. she really is just a baby. she has the beauty of a child. child like faith and love. shes beautiful, but this is crushing her. its crushing her God. hes her hero and You are stripping him down so far that its just becoming harder and harder for her to look at him like her hero. shes loosing him, loosing how she see him and she loves him so much. she needs his strength. i dont have enough strength for all of them. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? are you even listening?

i try to read scripture. and its dry. nothing. words on a page. just words on a page that have no meaning. i cant find you anywhere. i saw a glimpse just a small one on that tree with the leaves sprouting. but i need something more substantial….i know its in the fact that hes still alive….but its not him God. hes differant. hes hiding under his devlish smile and teasing pokes and flicks. and im scared of whats under there. he cant even distiguish his colors. i love colors….he can barely tell them apart.

i feel empty.

 

and he spoke.

i cannot explain to you completely the array of feelings that i have felt in the last few weeks. the intensity or the numbness that encompasses each passing moment is complete. it leaves no survivors.

he literally almost died. heart attack, kidney and liver failure, two simultaneous strokes….unable to breath, control bodily functions, move, speak, even open his eyes. the doctors and nurses talked about him and to us as if he was already dead. they had no hope. we had little hope.

there were so many people praying. i cant tell you how many, multiple churches, so many friends. i screamed to, swore at, and cried with God. i prayed to him for a miracle. for something that they said couldnt happen i asked him to give my daddy back to me. and he woke up .

its hard for me to explain how hopeless it was. how far gone he was. and he woke up. and then later he got out of bed and gave the nurses a heart attack, pulling out iv’s and such. but he still was not the man he used to be. he would scribble instead of write letters. he cannot focus for more than a few minutes. he could only stand with assistance, and still cant eat on his own.

they told us that he may never be able to speak again. the stroke wiped out his language center. he might be able to eat again, they said, but maybe never speak or write or read. never be able to communicate more than the hand motions and nods he uses now. imagine trying to have a conversation with someone who cant respond. imagine trying to have a conversation with someone and you dont even know if he can understand what you are saying. imagine having someone you love, almost losing them and then only having them partially back. imagine how tantalizing the idea that he could come back to you and yet he just wont. i just wanted God to make him speak. to be able to tell my mom he loved her. to be able to tell tyler to be good at school. to be able to tell hai to get rid of his pot plants. to be able to tell courtney she is his baby girl. to be able to tell me everything will be ok.

and then he spoke. tonight. he spoke. God….i dont even know what to say to you. i just cant stop crying. he spoke. you are really giving us a miracle. and he still has so long till the doctors say he will stop getting better. please Lord dont stop. thank you so much.

and then he spoke.  

 

Pink Skies

Hi God,

Ive come to realize that I do not want to live life half assed. I want to feel things with intensity, explore people and places, experience life and love as much as I can and even feel the pain that often comes with love. I don’t want my experiences in this life to be limited. There is a deep longing inside of me for so much more than all of this. I want to grow. I want to be one of those crinkly old ladies who shine with wisdom happiness, love and pain.

I am getting restless again. It just keeps coming back.

It was that damned pink sky. I was laying there in the snow looking at it. Not quite understanding the color. Deep, intense, wild. I felt at peace but more than anything I felt the rawness of nature. I felt the part of you that human kind can never really understand. It was pure, uncontrollable, powerful….it was power. So intense. I was overwhelmed by it….so overwhelmed that right now I can still feel that power, even if I cannot quite grasp the immenseness of it. It was so different than the life that we have created here. It is so controlled….and that control is celebrated, respected….the correct way to do things…set the table, have a wedding, the correct way to show your feelings, the correct way to be a Christian. The correct way, not letting that rawness that is a direct link to you come out. The passion, we hide it away.

I can feel that raw intensity, the wildness, the part of me that is part of You. I have made it go away for a while, but it always come back….with the ocean or with the pink sky pierced with the dark bare branches. That silence that was so much more than just silence. It was filled with a power I forgot existed. I felt that power in me. Your power coursing through my body, my soul. An energy. This energy that is in me…it sleeps. I don’t understand it and I never have. I comes out occasionally…..at concerts, in my art work and when i make music. When I let myself go….let myself be only the one you have created me to be….not the person I so carefully control. That energy….its an intensity and a passion. A deep place in me that I feel is all yours. A place in me that if I could let it out….I wouldn’t hold back. I would let you have control.

The pink sky reminded me that that part of me is still there. It reminded me God that I am not living life like I could. And when I remember that part of me aI realize that I am not living like I could. And I realize that I need to stop blaming other people and other things. It is myself that is holding that part back.

It is hard to sort out what things in life are most important. IT is hard to choose that unrestrained part knowing that it/You could lead me anywhere. Especially anywhere but where I am….and I am happy here. Safe and happy. But not challenged, not on the edge. I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing according to that perfectly controlled part of who I am. I am not living with an unrestrained faith that stems from the deepest part of me. The part that I am convinced is Your image in me. And as much as I say I don’t know how to live with that unrestrained faith in you, I do. Because I have had little snippets when I have lived like that. Making the sacrifices and fighting the battles hold me back. Time and again I am drawn to the question asking if I can have both. Are you asking me to choose? For some reason I have a hard time seeing it another way. I am hoping Lord with all of my heart that it not a choice. I am hoping you are asking others in my life to live with that same unrestrained faith.

I want you as the center. But what about the people who distract me from You, are they really distractions? How do I serve you? How do I have that unrestrained faith? The pure faith? How do I give myself wholly to you without sacrificing the people I love? And why do I even feel that I need to ask that question? Should I be?

 

change

well…i held out as long as i could, but the fact of the matter is i enjoy writing. and my brain has begun to atrophy. i have found in the last few months that teaching preschool is not something that strains my brain.

life has changed an incredible amount in the last few months. between graduating, moving, becoming engaged and working full time, life has definitely changed. i often feel as though everything is going so fast that i cannot enjoy the little things nor can i comprehend the path my life is on. college was an amazing experience. i was able to think and act on things that i cared about. now if i can just get to 5:30 i feel as though i have accomplished a great deal. i have come to understand how easy it would be to forget about the things i find important and focus primarily on the little circle my daily life encompasses. perhaps its not necessarily wrong to do that. work, family, close friends….those things are important. but lately i have found myself drifting further from thoughts and plans that i know can make my life something i am proud of and as i feel myself drift the further i feel myself drifting from God. i see myself at a fork in the road. God has set me up to choose what kind of life i would like to live. He has given me the choice as to what capacity i am willing to serve Him. if i choose to go down one path, life would be simpler. family, job, settled, house with a backyard, the great american life. the other way is not as clear, scarier, a life based purely on faith. i crave that second path. adventure, challenge, a closeness with God that right now I am not truly able to comprehend. i crave the idea that what i am doing matters to more than just my circle. that it affects people, families and communities that i may have no direct contact with. but as much as i crave that second life, i see myself taking steps toward the first. how do i choose the second life without rocking the boat? how do you make extreme decisions in life without hurting the people who depend on you…and if people do depend on you, is it even right to make those decisions? and i am engaged now. i cant make decisions about the direction of my life on my own anymore. i am making a life with someone. this is all very difficult.
i do not put God first. i know that is a fact. i am not sure what i put first. i work, go to jordans and come home to sleep. i feel like my life consists only of working to pay my bills. nothing in my life is centered on God. and i am not sure why….or how it got that way. or how to fix it.